Colleague Ruth Ann Harnisch shared some great words of wisdom recently in a post called U Do U.  She reminded me of one of my favorite book titles “What You Think of Me is None of My Business” by Terry Cole Whittaker.  It’s also one of my favorite mantras. 

It’s been a difficult one to master, for sure.  For me I think it’s because early conditioning followed by nursing, my foundational learning and career, caused me to be really confused at a young age about what “caring” means. Focusing on myself was selfish and to be avoided – until I finally learned the ‘put on your own oxygen mask first’ principle.  Clearly a depleted human has little to give, whereas one who is full to overflowing, fulfilled, has lots to contribute.  Caring from that place is a lot richer.

Lawyering – the ‘you’ve come to me because I know better than you about this matter’ training further distorted the definition into “I care, therefore I must tell you [advise] what to do.’ For the most part that worked, but it wasn’t very satisfying.  Would much rather see people empower themselves and avoid legal (and other) problems!  

Fortunately, coach training certainly helped change both those viewpoints.  There is only so much I can do to begin with.  Secondly, you’re the only one who can actually change your life – and I get to revel vicariously in your victories! I can be of service, but even in service others have to exercise some self-help and accept what you have to offer – or not.  It’s their choice always, and there’s not much I can do about their choices.  I can listen, lend support, provide ideas, and give feedback, but the choices and actions someone takes after that (as well as the consequences) are theirs alone. And I can “want for” your greatness.  Which I definitely DO!  Playing small doesn’t do you or the world much good.

So, I care about you without wanting to change you (though I’m willing to help if you want it -and it can be on your terms, not mine, I’m more than okay with that – even if I’d have chosen a different result).  I didn’t create this universe and I’m not running it, so often the result WILL be something other than what I had in mind – ah, the multitude of possibilities.  And that’s not only okay, actually it’s good.  And it reminds me that the point of power for myself is within me – how I shape my own attitudes, perceptions and choices.  What I let in and what I keep out.  True for us ALL.

And I can care what you think without feeling like it’s a mandate to change myself if you think differently or don’t agree with my choices.   But that’s not how I’ve had it wired up most of my life.  Thank God we don’t learn less.

That mantra “what you think of me is none of my business” puts it all in perspective, along with its corollary – what I think of you is none of your business.  Sounds kind of callous, but maybe it’s really the best kind of caring … What we think about is our business.  And it’s good to focus on what we’re thinking about, and what we’d prefer to be thinking about – because THAT is the place from which we create!!

How would your life be different if you kept the focus on yourself, worked on your own fulfilment, chose to be happy (as opposed to any other feeling you indulge from time to time), and gave back from a place of feeling fully contented with your life (no matter what anyone else said or did)?  If you want help with that, let me know.  I’ve been around that block and am happy to help you choose what you want from your own array of possibilities.  That orientation for service is the best way I can demonstrate I care.

Wishing you the best – however YOU define that.  Cheers, Dolly